Well, I’m here. I’m back in LA. My life is supposed to start now I guess. The past 7 months have felt like a holiday because I’ve been living in Europe (although it technically wasn’t a holiday - I was studying). But being back has made me so grateful that I had an opportunity to live somewhere else for 7 months and learn about myself and gain a broader perspective on life. I didn’t realize I learned about myself … wait, I actually don’t really know if I learned anything about me, what I’ve noticed more is that I’ve changed. I’ve changed a lot. I’ve become a LOT more relaxed and calm. I carry myself much more serenely, and am no longer super nervous or filled with anxiety when I face new challenges. Things don’t seem to be plaguing me as much. I really am enjoying the new me.
One fear I carry with me - it’s not an overwhelming one, nor is it one that I think of often, but I am scared that one day soon this changed self will revert back to the old one. I’m scared that once my days are filled with busy-ness and hectic routines, I’ll be uptight, high strung, controlling, and nervous. Yuck - that is not a fun person to be around. But what I realize now is that I have choices. I don’t have to be that way. I can choose to relax about things. I can choose to not let things bother me so much. I can choose not to obsess over things. These are choices I can make. And since I’ve experienced how to be relaxed, I can always choose to be that person again. Sure, I will still get nervous over issues, and I’ll still have uncomfortable feelings. But instead of those feelings fueling my decisions and actions, I can make space for them, let them be, and continue being relaxed.
I’m looking for jobs now. I’ve learned I need to be persistent and have faith that a job will come my way. I’m not quite sure what I want to do yet - in terms of career, so in the meantime, I’ve just been applying to jobs that somewhat interest me, that I want to try, or for which I’m qualified. What I’m happy about, however, is that I’ve been consistently applying. Fear used to be a big hinderance for me and would make me procrastinate all the time. But now, I’ve been going at it. (Maybe because I’m running out of money, and that, OF COURSE, is a huge motivator), but even so, I’m glad that fear is no longer stopping all my other motivators. I’ve been able to live a balanced life while applying for my jobs - been seeing friends, dancing, doing yoga, hanging at the beach. Life is pretty great, and I’m so grateful.
A follower - “Buy Nothing New for a Year” fellow tumblr sent this to me. When I read it, it made me quite emotional and struck a chord. It has been in my mind a lot since then, and hope I may apply the philosophy often.
Happiness and tranquility arise from concentration.
Frustration and worries arise from desire.
|—||Heart of a Buddha (via angelindiskies)|
I believe I may have finally given my mind the kick-start it needed. I used to have so much to say and saying it was my original intention with this tumblr, but then shit happened and my critical eye, intellectual capacity, and ability to articulate the abstract lay dormant…until now. It is…
So, obviously I haven’t written in several weeks … okay over a month. Now that that is settled, I can move myself to the present moment and not feel the pressure to share with you all that has happened during that time. No time like the present, eh?
After being in Europe for over six months, I have finally returned to the US of A. I dreaded my return. Why you ask ? Well, because although I am a very passionate person, and love many things – there are still only a few things that move me the way Europe does. You obviously are already aware for my love of France. But Europe in general, puts me at ease and excites me all at the same time. So, to leave such a glorious environment that provides such a lovely state of mind for me was scary.
On a side note, looking at, feeling, and standing with art, eating great food, and being with wonderful friends belong on the list with Europe. I was going to add dancing and watching ballet too, but I realize that excites me and angers me at the same time, more than it excites and eases me. I’ll get into my history of ballet maybe at a later date.
So, the US … everyone says how great it is – and yes, it certainly is – but I don’t feel at home here. There are reasons why, but when I start writing them, my blog is spiced with politics, and that is not the direction to which I want to go. Politics overwhelms and frustrates me because I feel soooo much, yet I am never able to clearly articulate the extent to which I feel and the reasons for it. I then become a very frustrated and agitated person. I love watching Jon Stewart because he (with his team of writers) has to be one of the most articulate AND logical people I have ever seen to discuss “political affairs.” I’m sure many would agree, but I feel most close to (and passionate about) his views. When I watch his show, I’m at such peace because finally I see someone eloquently speaking my views that I have so much trouble sharing usually. He should forever be my political spokesman.
Alright, so I’m back at the US and it ain’t as bad as I had imagined it would be in Europe. I’m doing alright. In fact, I’m enjoying myself. Furthermore, I’m not as anxious ridden and high strung as I was before I left. Not sure what happened. Was it spending time with my love, Europe? Was it because the European-relaxed flair hit me? Or was it because I took half a year off from my regular life that allowed me to gain a better perspective and not sweat the small stuff? Not sure what it is, and I probably will never have an exact explanation for my new relaxed self, but I sure like it. I hope it stays with me, and I don’t become neurotic again. It’s interesting how a person can just change like that. Never thought it would happen to me. So glad it did.
I’m in NY for a few more days until I return back to my hood, LA. NY is where I once lived for many years – it is where most of my family resides. On this trip, I’ve spent 2 weeks here, and it has been a pleasure. This is the first time I’ve ever been able to say that. Usually, I stay here for a maximum amount of 5 days (too much NY, too much family – just not good combos for me); but now, nothing seems to bother me. Amazing! So grateful I’m present with such serenity. Let’s see what LA turns up for me …. Or, how I turn up for LA.
There are more things, obviously, to share with you – like my applications for jobs, my non-thinking about boys (honest! Ok, how about my much more decreased amounts of thinking about boys), and my increased levels of baking … but I guess I wanted to re-introduce you to my life on a general surface before I get back to the specifics. Just how I feel today … about sharing faye.
Picture reblogged from mengmich
Thank you for writing me BNN. Somehow it was difficult for me to consistently write in a blog - consistency is something I have trouble with, and was partly a reason for me to start a blog- so I could work on (what I label as) this flaw. I sincerely appreciate your message. It was a very friendly and an effective reminder to keep going. Thank you!!
What a city this is. I’ve now visited this city five times (I think, maybe more). I’ve always said this city is the greatest in the world, even though I obviously have not seen every city in the world. I say it is the best because there is no other place on the globe that makes me feel the way Paris does, thus far anyway. I have the combination of really warm, invigorating, exhilarating, loving, and energetic feelings all at once. These feelings come to me when I simply just roam the streets and pick up the local energy. Every where I go, I just want to kiss a guy. There is something sooo sexy about it.
Now, I understand that many Italian cities and villages have a similar effect. But I guess the French do it for me more than the Italians. Let’s just not try to argue this one - it’s a personal preference.
So, I’ve been here for 3 days with my 2 loveliest girlfriends. And we’ve truly had such a magical time. We’ve constantly laughed, all day and night. We’ve had great girlie conversations along with serious life ones. We’ve messed around, made fun of each other, took tons of photos. And yet … my mind at times is still uneasy. Why?
Well, I know why, but I don’t like the reason. That boy … there’s that boy with whom I shared some feelings with over email. Now, sharing feelings (especially with guys) is soo super scary for me. I hate that I let it have so much power over me. He’s responded with reciprocity, and yet every time I hit a reply back, I have an anxiety attack. This anxiety lasts until he responds. Let me just interrupt my talking, and say how much I absolutely hate that I have these reactions, and put so much energy into these situations. I don’t like making the guy the center of my focus – yet somehow my thoughts end up circling the man. And, no matter how many times I try to talk myself into changing thoughts or meditate and think of only me and nature, by the end of the day, my anxiety is back and my thoughts rotate around the boy situation….again.
It’s about this fear thing again for me. Fear brings me anxiety. Anxiety makes me panic. And then I’m no longer a calm person, and don’t enjoy my own company. And where am I? PARIS! My favorite city. I want to just let this whole boy thing go and no longer let it fuel me the way it does. Soooo unnecessary. Let me just be. (Listening to some Radiohead has certainly calmed me down in the past 5 minutes).
So, does all of this mean I’m not independent, a modern woman, and boy-crazy? Does this also mean that I’m needy? Not liking that one … but I want to face my truths. And be able to show them to others. I don’t know how to share my feelings with a guy and not let that scare the shit out of me.
So, I played the game – matched his energy and enthusiasm levels in the emails, and he has not replied. It’s been about 3 days. Yes, that does not sound long at all, but in comparison to previous replies, it is. (And yes, I realize I now sound like a crazy obsessive boy-crazed girl. And no, I do not like it). I think I scared the guy, and am trying to accept the situation. I’m now just trying to move on and become the self-focused person I was used to being. I’m obviously still learning how to be myself and be comfortable sharing my true self around guys. I hate how that’s not a natural thing for me - or how it differs from my girl friends to guys. I guess it takes time and practice.
Note to reader: I absolutely hate how much time I’ve just spent writing about this guy thing. Something that’s not even serious. How much thought and energy went to this …. But here’s why I’ve included it, as annoying as it is to read: I created this blog to tell the truth about me and where I’m at in my day to day life. The more I practice in sharing the truth, the more comfortable I can be about being myself. So as much as I don’t like certain attributes and behaviors about me (including focusing so much on unimportant boy-stuff), I want to be truthful about them.
I’ve now left Paris.
What’s brilliant about my memory of our trip is not so much about the guy, but about the beautiful city and the glorious times I spent with my wonderful friends. I love that about Paris – the beauty of the city takes over any experience I have. The city infiltrates my memories with lingering Parisian beauty. Guys may come and go, but my love for Paris will forever stay. … This may just have to be added to one of my “facts of life” .
Picture: my favourite spot in Paris ~ Le Jardin du Luxembourg
I’ll get back to you on that one. Some places in mind: Salzburg, Austria; Bordeaux regions of France; Senegal; Capetown, South Africa; Tanzania; Fiji
My first blog.
Don’t want to write anything because I’m blue. And it takes so much energy to write when I’m feeling this way and unmotivated. I’ve left a beautiful city, with beautiful friends, that provided me with so much fun. I enjoyed a life of 5 months with very little responsibility and now it’s over. Now, I have to find a job. I’m supposed to become all serious about my life. I don’t know how to do that. I’ve always been flaking around. Took time off of school, done jobs that are meaningless to me. Just kinda wasted my time so I didn’t have to deal with anything too serious. I couldn’t for some reason - wasn’t ready to. And now that I’ve finished my last semester of undergrad, and am 26 years old, I’m supposed to find a job and become fully independent.
Wow, that’s a thought. I know it’s time, and ideally I’d love to be that way. But this whole business about being serious, I don’t like. That means I have to put myself on the line - face fears. Two fears I’ve faced recently: participating in a formal debate (in front of people I know), and sharing with someone my true feelings. Both were super scary, and both were done within the week. Nothing came of doing those 2 scary things except that now I can say I did them. The important thing I’ve learned about facing my fears is that the goal is only to face them - there’s no reward that exists post that, except for the fact that I can say I did it. Something may or may not appear after the fact, but my expectations of a reward should be limited to the feeling of accomplishing my fear. That’s a hard one to come about.
I have fears of finding a job. I fear applying for one and being denied, I fear being called into a job interview and not knowing what they’re talking about. I fear accepting a job and absolutely hating it. I fear being trapped into losing 8 hours a day of my life by doing something I don’t really want to do. I fear never realizing what I want to do. These are the fears that hinder my first step of applying for a job.
In the meantime, I plan on procrastinating facing those fears and travel around Europe for as long as my money can take me. Until that time ends, I’ll find new fears to face - like travelling alone, being lonely, having money run out, being in dangerous situations, getting lost, being tired, not enjoying the city to which I’ve traveled. But these all sound like very spoiled fears - I must be grateful that I have such a wonderful opportunity to actually travel the way I have been. It truly is such a blessing - I just need to realize that those fears get in the way of being grateful, finding joy, and being present.
I’ve also learned that travelling makes me present with my true feelings. Especially since I travel alone, I’m left with no one else to distract me but myself. I have to face those feelings of sadness and fear, along with euphoria that I feel when I’m in a new place. All of these emotions make up me - and I need to accept them all …. my Mum says, so simply and truthfully, “these are just the facts of life.” Things may seem overwhelming, but if I remember that they’re just facts of life, I can accept me and my experiences.
Leaving such a beautiful part of my life in Prague is sad. Okay, really really really sad - but it’s normal - facts of life, man.